LOOSE TOOTH// LOST YOUTH

where are we? found a new friend, i fear. i think the trick is to constantly look at yourself in the mirror and imagine yourself, out of body, back at the start of it all. tear yourself down. take yourself back to ground zero and stare deep into your own eyes. then ask yourself what you “then” would do, if face-to-face with you “now.” feigning narcissism, i’m constantly staring at my own face. i think about friends made, and friends lost. decisions made, and decisions botched. i look at every photo ever taken of me; the wreckage of a life watched by thousands of strangers. a crowd gathering around the scene of the accident. i am my own personal million car pile-up. cell phones out, everyone take pictures. the burn of the flash is harsh at first, but becomes dull with time. i think of every dirty dancefloor in every shitty club. every leaky faucet in every bathroom, of every studio this side of the wintery northern mountains. i think of family, and i think of my father. i stare at myself in the mirror every minute of every day of every month of every year. me watching me, a new friend, i fear. and we ask each other, where are we? always ultimately deciding that we could be almost anywhere. we decide to cross state lines, to climb mountains and traverse canyons, and get the hell out of here. but ultimately, the most important trick is to constantly remind yourself that the you you’re staring at will never be you again. the trick is to go back to ground zero, and stand alone, with your skin tight and cold and stretched by the wind. the idea is to stop staring at yourself and eventually come to terms with the concept of living without yourself. only then can you really leave this place. only then can you erase your face. where are we? i could be anywhere. where are we? i’ve found a new friend, i fear.

photo ©Rachel Kujawski