06.28.14 // BOYHOOD

So I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the Great War between the person I am and the person I could be/the person people want me to be. A little love costs a lot with me.

I spent my entire weekend in traffic and yelling at my psychiatrist’s desk clerk/secretary/whatever, trying to get a new prescription. I ignored the fifth anniversary of my father’s suicide and I purged in three public restrooms and two private ones. I guzzled Pedialyte to replenish my body’s nutrients and I smoked a cigarette on my friend’s mom’s balcony.

A friend (one who has explicitly expressed her disapproval of my book and the destruction left in its wake) asked me for five hundred dollars of my “dirty money,” and I respectfully declined. I caught Richard Linklater’s “Boyhood” at the Arclight for a 5:45 PM showing and maintained composure throughout all three hours of the film, refraining from crying until I got home to my empty bed.

"Boyhood" was, like, really boring and really beautiful, and that made me sad. Sad that my life has never been boring. Sad that my life has played out like some sort of Sophia-Coppola-directed dribble about excess and youthful rebellion— rambling on to a soundtrack by New Order— rather than Linklater’s profound insight into the beauty of the mundane.

Nothing is ever simple with me. It never really has been. There is always an air of drama, a sense of urgency, that keeps the plot moving too quickly for the audience to keep up. I’m the star of the show and I’m receiving praise and accolades for my performance from critics, but it’s only the second act, and the people I love most are already standing up to leave the theatre.

I’ve lost family members, best friends, and a long-term girlfriend due to my complex, heavy-handed plot and my lack of conflict resolution. I receive a million calls, texts, and worried comments on social media per day from loved ones still hanging on by a thread, wondering when the movie, the party, my bullshit, will end.

I cried in bed while thinking about “Boyhood” and wondering who I could have been in this life if it weren’t for the life I have already lived. I wondered if things had been just a little more normal, if things had been just a bit more beautifully mundane, I could have been something, or someone, more substantial.

If I had gone fishing with my dad instead of hiding his booze from him in the middle of the night… If I had spent my time playing video games with friends instead of purging on set for some editorial spread for a magazine in Paris, or Tokyo, or whatever… If I had gone to school dances instead of Fashion Week events… If I had studied for my S.A.T.’s instead of getting blackout drunk at a rooftop bar the night before… Could I have been a normal kid, a normal person?

Could I have been the kind of person that makes his friends and his family proud? Could I have been the kind of person that people aren’t embarrassed to love? Could I have been the kind of person that people keep around, rather than playing the role of a drunken accessory or a coked-up conversation starter?

If I’d have played my cards right, or rather, if I’d have been dealt a different hand… If the great big movie that is my life played out like the sort of film that people leave the theatre feeling happy to, rather than the kind of movie that leaves you feeling empty-hearted and empty-handed, wanting more… If I was the person I could be, the person people want me to be, rather than the person I am now…


Would I still have to sleep alone?

ALL MONEY IS DRUG MONEY // Cc: @damhave @sorellipresents #JFO (at The Evil Rock N Roll Hollywood Cat)

ALL MONEY IS DRUG MONEY // Cc: @damhave @sorellipresents #JFO (at The Evil Rock N Roll Hollywood Cat)

Monday mornings are seriously, like, the WORST mornings. // #ICFMF (at Beverly Hills, California)

Monday mornings are seriously, like, the WORST mornings. // #ICFMF (at Beverly Hills, California)

bencope:

After many many years I finally got to shoot with the amazing @kriskidd today. About time. @phaseoneww #iq250 #7artistmgmt

bencope:

After many many years I finally got to shoot with the amazing @kriskidd today. About time. @phaseoneww #iq250 #7artistmgmt

AGE OF CONSENT // from today’s shoot with @ben_cope // Cc: @7artistmgmt (at Studio 106)

AGE OF CONSENT // from today’s shoot with @ben_cope // Cc: @7artistmgmt (at Studio 106)

From today’s shoot with the incredibly talented @ben_cope  (at Studio 106)

From today’s shoot with the incredibly talented @ben_cope (at Studio 106)

ANY CALLTIME BEFORE 10AM IS CRUEL, UNJUST, & DISRESPECTFUL #ew (at Los Angeles Downtown)

ANY CALLTIME BEFORE 10AM IS CRUEL, UNJUST, & DISRESPECTFUL #ew (at Los Angeles Downtown)